Wednesday, March 14, 2012

"mama, i had a dream"

it's 2:17 pm. i am sitting inside, i'm not sure why...because it's officially the most perfect day we have had in months. i suppose i'm waiting for talia to fall asleep. she has been laying down for almost 18 minutes and said "i had a dream". she uses this as a lure to get me to come and lay with her. we pray and she falls asleep. she is magical to me. i never wanted a daughter. it was the princess thing. the drama factor. teaching someone about their period. ~ugh.~ but she has swept me off of my feet. she sings "the wizard of oz" at the top of her lungs. she tells stories that start with "once upon a time" and end with someone dying from being farted on (obviously her brother's influence). she makes plastic jewelry look regal. she is everything i didn't realize i always wanted in a daughter.

not to mention she loves me. she kisses me. she makes me feel so great. after all it is all about me right?

"mommy?" she just called me....she needs me. she hates napping. she wants to be with me all the time. dishes. laundry. painting. organizing. cleaning...she may not recognize that being done.
she's out of bed now.
"talia, what?"
"i'm going potty."
"you went before you got into bed"
"are you pooping?"
"mama i pooooooop"

oh, i hope this here internet is arahnd til her weddin'. i wanna read it durin' her toast!

Monday, March 12, 2012

it's been (almost) two years....

i used to love this thing...and i've dropped it like a bad camera is totally tweaky right now and desperately needs a tune up so there will be no pictures of my lovely babes today...

i read an article tonite in this magazine that chris got as a gift about a "pill" to help you forget things you want to forget. it was not a pill but really a therapeutic approach about reliving the event in order to avoid PTSD. reliving the event thru aggressive direct questioning. the approach was not successful with burn victims at all and actually caused more trauma than those who did not undergo that counseling approach. it was successful for EMS workers who had seen terrible sights in car accidents and other rescues that haunted them long after...

it got me to thinking about the traumas that were reoccurring in my own life. how those that i was able to process through with my friends, family, not haunt me. so many i have let those go. after i brought them into the Light. i gave them as much detail as necessary for me to heal from them...and they were gone. for me, i talk right away. i don't hold things in. . .they need to come out. but those few deep hurts. the ones that i CAN'T share.


those ones.....those are the ones that pop up again. those are the ones that make me empathic as a counselor. but that also holds me prisoner in a place of unrest and unforgiveness. i remember the names of those that have hurt me. i remember the places and the words and the actions. i wish there was a pill to take that away.

everyday i am closer to finding that through the unfailing, unconditional Love that says their words are not My words. their words were pain filled hurting words. My words are perfect Life giving words. and i remember how many times my words have been so destructive and so tearing down and people have probably had to forgive me. . .