i choose hope...

last tuesday we found out that i was pregnant....bean #2 is officially on the way...

i realized how "numbers based" i was that night. i always get paranoid when people announce their pregnancy at 6 weeks. i did that with max...i was too excited. then i experienced some painful losses from friends and realized that those "numbers" are important. i put in my head that...

6 wks is when you tell your family

12 wks is when you tell everyone

20 wks is when it becomes public bc you can't hide anymore

37 wks you can deliver

40 wks is really 10 months!!!

1 year is when they can try milk and sit forward in the car

these have becoming paralyzing numbers for me...i fully support people wanting to hold on to these numbers....especially those who have experienced loss but i was becoming troubled by them....

i didn't want anyone to know....

then, i had to tell people in "authority" at my school. my job isn't always safe (aggressive kids) so i had to let them know that i wasn't available for that anymore....whew....

then, i told my family....my dear sister in law posted it on facebook and friends found out so the general announcement has gone out!!!

then, i found out that bekah is having the major surgery next month that we were, in the backs of our minds, hoping wouldn't ever happen....

this lead me through many tears to choose hope.

i can't live through this pregnancy with fear and worry about what may happen and i can't live through the next month worrying about the possible outcomes of my sister. 

"we are not a people without hope" 

the sooner i believe that...