max's dogs

On Sunday, we found out about the tragedy at the Pittsburgh Zoo. The story was almost too much to handle. Naturally being parents of a child that age and having been a frequent patrons of that zoo, five minutes from our home, we couldn't help but feel shock and unbelievable sadness for this family.

However, our family's story varies from some others who are outsiders grieving. Last year Max chose these dogs as his Kindergarten animal report. During a visit to the zoo, he had fallen in love with them. We visited the zoo many times to take notes, observe their behavior, and hope to catch a zookeeper in the vicinity to chat with. Max read several books and articles about these dogs. We learned that they are one of few carnivores that care for the elderly and ill in their pack. He was especially intrigued by their communication with each other while they were hunting. They use a series of clicks and other noises to convey messages to each other in order to bring down large prey. The have an unbelievable speed that allows them to exhaust extremely large prey by outrunning them. In Africa, they are feared by farmers as predators but because of their desire to chase their prey, they are typically not a concern to trapped animals. AND typically they walk among people in Africa without bothering them at all.

Our bright, sensitive son, has been quiet for a few days. His non-quiet times have been overly emotional seemingly overtired outbursts of strange behavior. Deetch and I have been watching closely wondering, if maybe, it's been about these dogs. He has been eeking out tidbits of information, hints of sadness.

"It's not their fault, that's what wild dogs do. They are carnivores."

We were so scared about this comment. What's wrong with my six year old?

"All the kids at school keep talking to me about my dogs. I keep telling them it's too sad and not appropriate to talk about"

Today I asked for prayer at Bible Study...just for my sweet son who needs to find the words to express what this situation is doing to his little sweet heart.

After school today I asked him how he was and mentioned that the kids were still talking about the dogs. I asked him how he was handling it.

He said "I feel so sad for that family. I feel guilty for loving those dogs so much. I feel like it's my fault."

Throughout talking with him, I was able to figure out that he didn't feel guilty or at fault for that little boy's tragic death but for loving them even in spite of what had happened. His lip quivered throughout the conversation and he finally was able to accept that those dogs are wild and unpredictable. Being out of the environment God had created them for made them react differently than the dogs were had studied. He seemed to have a lighter heart when he finished talking but he definitely still was thinking a lot about what had happened....

Learning about how to handle your kids and teaching your kids how to handle life is my greatest challenge. Max is on a different plane than Talia. He is a thinker while she is much more carefree. Seeing his angst and sadness about this loss was incredible. How now do I teach him about compartmentalizing things and remembering sadness but not being paralyzed by it...whew. It truly never ends. But what a joy it is to know them....

it's been way too long

*i stopped writing in this blog regularly a while ago. i miss doing it because it was a great way to document all the great things my kids are doing. i have so much more time to keep track of them now that i'm not working but i allow dumb things to keep me from doing the FUN parts of life. . .i'm going to try to make this journal happen more often...i love reading people's blogs....why not share our life too!*

Since I last wrote seriously which I guess was the beach post....so much has happened in our neck of the woods. I was laid off at WPSD. I had been working there as a Middle School Counselor for five years and really "loving" my job a lot. I really loved the kids a lot and the teachers so much. My supervisor was really terrific. He was supportive and really kind. I enjoyed the majority of my job but there were definitely a lot of things that were, like any job, extremely grating. In spite of those things, I was devastated to be laid off. It didn't come as a huge surprise for many reasons but the pain of the termination of my job was excruciating. I don't think I recovered from the shock of it until the next school year began. However, I found myself in the new position that I had always desired to be at home with Max and Talia. 

Max was beginning Kindergarten and Talia was two. It was difficult figuring out what to do with my time. What was I supposed to do with my days? I had always worked. I wasn't used to being home all day. I am not a domestic person. So I through myself into the kids. I was helping out at Max's school. I was trying to make adult play dates. Kid play dates. Anything to fill my time. I ran into so many walls. All the time I had spent building my career everyone who had been staying home was building their playgroups and friendships....there was no room for a new/old mom. It was so isolating. I felt so alone. I joined Bible Studies, book clubs, anything to find my fit. I was volunteering trying to do anything....it was really difficult. I didn't have any friends that were at home during the day. Everyone was carrying on with their lives.

Max was doing half day Kindergarten so we did so many trips after school. We would visit museums, playgrounds, parks, and our pool. We did so many crafts and library trips. It was a great year for the three of us for learning and growing closer together but I really missed adult interaction. Chris would come home from work and call me his puppy. He said I would jump on him and talk to him non-stop for hours on end until he was exhausted. He is an introvert so I'm sure he was ready to pass out when he walked through the door and my hyper activity was the last thing he needed. =/

When the Spring finally came, I had gotten us into a decent schedule and felt more developed. I had made some friendships at Max's school with some mom's in his class and then became more connected. By the summer we all were grounded and my security and identity were definitely back on track. I had lost all sense of myself with that loss and allowed it to dent my confidence. 

During the Summer we were crazy. My sister had a huge surgery on her brain tumor which was a huge success. Then we went on a life changing camping family retreat where my family was able to serve and minister to other families. Max went to overnight camp for the first time. Max joined the swim team and earned the MVP. He also plays soccer and tennis. Talia just started dance class and she totally loves it. We are constantly so mesmerized by the hilarious stuff they are saying. Max is so smart. He's reading so well and he loves doing math work. He's fascinated by lightening and wants to learn how to harness it for electricity. Talia is so hilarious. I was talking to her about learning to fingerknit and she said "will it make my fingers bleed?" Small snippet of my daily life. 

I have no hard feelings (any more) towards WPSD. What a huge favor they did for me...they gave me my life to enjoy. Pure joy. 

 

"mama, i had a dream"

it's 2:17 pm. i am sitting inside, i'm not sure why...because it's officially the most perfect day we have had in months. i suppose i'm waiting for talia to fall asleep. she has been laying down for almost 18 minutes and said "i had a dream". she uses this as a lure to get me to come and lay with her. we pray and she falls asleep. she is magical to me. i never wanted a daughter. it was the princess thing. the drama factor. teaching someone about their period. ~ugh.~ but she has swept me off of my feet. she sings "the wizard of oz" at the top of her lungs. she tells stories that start with "once upon a time" and end with someone dying from being farted on (obviously her brother's influence). she makes plastic jewelry look regal. she is everything i didn't realize i always wanted in a daughter.

not to mention she loves me. she kisses me. she makes me feel so great. after all it is all about me right?

"mommy?" she just called me....she needs me. she hates napping. she wants to be with me all the time. dishes. laundry. painting. organizing. cleaning...she may not recognize that being done.

she's out of bed now.

"talia, what?"

"i'm going potty."

"you went before you got into bed"

"uhm"

"are you pooping?"

"yes...."

......silence.......

"mama i pooooooop"

oh, i hope this here internet is arahnd til her weddin'. i wanna read it durin' her toast!

it's been (almost) two years....

i used to love this thing...and i've dropped it like a bad habit...my camera is totally tweaky right now and desperately needs a tune up so there will be no pictures of my lovely babes today...

i read an article tonite in this magazine that chris got as a gift about a "pill" to help you forget things you want to forget. it was not a pill but really a therapeutic approach about reliving the event in order to avoid PTSD. reliving the event thru aggressive direct questioning. the approach was not successful with burn victims at all and actually caused more trauma than those who did not undergo that counseling approach. it was successful for EMS workers who had seen terrible sights in car accidents and other rescues that haunted them long after...

it got me to thinking about the traumas that were reoccurring in my own life. how those that i was able to process through with my friends, family, chris...do not haunt me. so many i have let those go. after i brought them into the Light. i gave them as much detail as necessary for me to heal from them...and they were gone. for me, i talk right away. i don't hold things in. . .they need to come out. but those few deep hurts. the ones that i CAN'T share.

the-too-embarrassing-to-tell-anyone-secrets.

those ones.....those are the ones that pop up again. those are the ones that make me empathic as a counselor. but that also holds me prisoner in a place of unrest and unforgiveness. i remember the names of those that have hurt me. i remember the places and the words and the actions. i wish there was a pill to take that away.

everyday i am closer to finding that through the unfailing, unconditional Love that says their words are not My words. their words were pain filled hurting words. My words are perfect Life giving words. and i remember how many times my words have been so destructive and so tearing down and people have probably had to forgive me. . .

bittersweet

we are heading to my family's vacation spot. the greatest place on earth. this was taken two years ago when we all were together. this year it's minus one. chris isn't coming with us because he has a busy time at work. he's sacrificing his vacation for the good of our family. what a babe!

this blog will (hopefully) be updated daily so we can let him know what's going on with us...it's hilarious, i've been so emotional about everything and he's living the life of a bachelor and loving it. i'm sure he misses us but i'm sure the guitar music, junk food, and beer are flowing like milk and honey. (i'm not making assumptions, i checked the bank account before i did this)

we love you bub...sooooo much!

"'but somewhere in my youth or childhood, i must have done something good"

we've had a really fun spring. nothing overly remarkable but having the weather be so lovely for so long has been just amazing. we are making some fun plans for the summer. we want to put a deck on the house and get a swingset. so lots of fun things to look forward to.

the most amazing things have been the kids naturally. max is signing so much now. tonite he sat down on my lap and signed "color-what?" (voice off) and pointed to a bunch of different things in the room. he really loves using ASL when he knows what to say. he enjoys it so much. he's getting closer to reading everyday. he totally gets phonics and knows it well but english is such a tricky language...he gets a bit frustrated. he loves star wars and tom and jerry. he plays with his ds as much as he can but would drop all of those things to play outside with his beloved nina. he is developing more and more friendships that he talks about often. he is becoming so dynamic and interesting. he loves to chat and i love listening to him. at times, it's really overwhelming and tough to follow but he's delightful.

little miss T. our joy. our smiley little princess. she cries a lot easier than max ever did but somehow it's working out ok. she's so adventurous. she climbs on everything. she LOVES playing outside. she wakes up and walks straight to the door. she is signing too. she signs "more", "milk", "want", "sleep", and she says "yesh"--(yes). she hugs her babies so hard and then throws them down. she loves cooking and pouring tea. max has shown her to pour hot tea on people to get a reaction. it's funny. she laughs from her gut all the time. she loves reading...FINALLY. she has never seen baby shows. she disregards TV. she rips books like she's paid to do it. she LOVES me! i love how snugly she is. she puts her head on my shoulder as soon as i pick her up. she buries her head in my neck and just lays there. every morning we lay in bed together and chat.

~and of course our honorary kid nina....she has been with us since the beginning so she often feels like ours. she is such a girl...she loves everything pink and frilly. she loves shoes and she is very matter-of-fact--"jessa, that's not the way i always do it!" she likes to wear her hair in a messy bun/ponytail like me--who'd thought someone would WANT that?? it's my fallback. :) she loves people a lot. she treats talia like a little queen. she is bright and sharp and is max's best friend. ~

not excluding sasha...she's a babe too...she wasn't in the picture though...

i was singing my title tonite to T as i was putting her down...from "the sound of music" --and of course, started crying, i love this little family i have so much more than i can explain on a silly blog. but i'm so grateful that they're mine.

spring break

the best part about working at a school is the breaks. we had a really great time. i had to work on the first monday but we had such a great week. i took very few pictures during the week. i'll post them later.

spring cleaning~celebrating easter on palm sunday with my family~we went to the zoo with carly to celebrate her 35th birthday~we went to johnstown for a day~we threw a shower for stacy's baby vickboy~threw a 35th birthday party~had two egg hunts~a scavenger hunt~played outside for countless hours with friends~had a couple fires~dyed eggs twice~opened three easter baskets (each kid had three)~stayed up past 3am for two nights with amazing friends~caught up on greys anatomy~read a great book~laughed with my kids~rejoiced with dear friends and their third child's birth~sighed a huge sigh of relief when a friend had an ALMOST tragedy~watched chris play surprisingly well in a soccer game~and most recently dealt with sick kids~i'm sure there was more...but i don't remember...what a surprise!

we had a fabulous time and i love the crap out of them.

fun weekend with nina

francine, hereafter referred to as MIL (just kidding i hate that stuff)

gets professional pics taken of the kids, bc we don't. we love snapshots and have over 5000 pictures of them. so why invest into something contrived? (our opinion)

so she takes them...they are always so cute...

this picture is the reason i posted something tonite. this is the bottom of the archway btn the dining room and living room. there is a blue mouse hole there that i put up months ago for max. he LOVES tom and jerry. A LOT! we limit their TV watching ~probably more than necessary~ but he zonks out and becomes a drone if he is given the opportunity to watch TV...so we watch just a little bit a day. he always picks tom and jerry. we watch star wars the cartoon, together at night sometimes.

so today someone knocked the mouse hole off of the wall. he asked for tape, we were out so he found the duck (duct?) tape and fixed it. it wasn't until later that i saw how he fixed it. i love that he didn't want it to be perfect, he simply wanted it back up. when i made it, we were out of black paper. it had to be blue. i was disappointed. he, on the other hand, hugged me when he found it after his nap. he was delighted. now, seeing the tape like this, in my goofy ways, i went to fix the hole and put the tape behind it. hide the repair work, but i left it. he fixed it.

and now it's perfect.

BOUNCE U

super fun place. we took max on his actual birthday. he loved it. nina loved.

tonite a friend had his birthday there. up late bouncing and eating cake...

is there a better way to spend a friday night?

max has finally agreed to marry her.

i think it's because she loves to WATCH HIM play video games and doesn't request a turn.

that's the life.

apparently, my SIL erin, was nicknamed "erin danger" when she was talia's age. adventurous and fun loving, my favorite story was how she walked right into the pool, clothes on and everything during chris' swim lessons when he was six, she was one! my MIL said that she sunk straight to the bottom and was staring up at her from the pool floor. obviously she's fine but she really gave them a run for their money. that's how talia is. i never strapped max into the cart at the store. he just sat and observed. when she was seven months old, i turned for a minute at the checkout line and she was sitting on the conveyer belt. she's constantly up the stairs, climbing on shelves, up on tables....tonite, she figured out how to get on the couch. she's WILD. she also can cry real tears when you disagree with her plan. she's really good at getting people wrapped around her little finger and then raking them over the coals. she's so sweet though...you can't help but squeeze her...

another year passes

i have these people in my life. they are small and have changed my life. their birthdays are one month apart and seeing them become older little people has been very emotional. talia turning one and max turning four were both ....well, emotional for me.

as cliche as it is, i didn't know i could love people like this. they both have taken complete control of my heart. sometimes i hold them so hard that they squeak. i get angry with them and a simple look from them of sadness about my displeasure brings me to my knees. i am changed. i have become a mother and the process has changed me.

as full of fault as chris and i are, somehow the best of us has been passed on to them. i feel so incredibly blessed just to know them.

my strong willed gal

talia eve bovard

i know that you shouldn't compare your children but it's impossible not to a little bit.

max was easy like sunday morning. he always seemed to know right from wrong at a very young age. he never pushed the limits. he just knew somehow...

then there's this one.

so smiley, so sweet, so loving, but WOW!

tonite, she wasn't hungry. we had french toast, which she loves...but for whatever reason,

she wasn't hungry. i thought she was eating slowly-then i caught her.

she was shoving the pieces ~very slowly~ down beside her in her chair.

when caught she smiled. i asked her to pick them up and she did. then she cried.

see her little barrette- not a great picture.

her favorite spot. in this chair reading. hilarious.

here's my other wild thing...LOVE them both.

christmas in review --there is another new one below

i hope they always adore each other the way they do now.

i'd definitely take 2 of her.

my mom bought them these "guido" outfits...they

actual shine in the light.

LOVE this picture...he's hard core.

we went sledding at night and she had like 14 layers on.

she didn't make a peep. she had a great time.

we were at a friend's grandparent's house,

perfect hill.

we went in for hot chocolate and

the grandma said to max "make yourself at home"

he started jumping on their couch.

i glared at him and he sat down, muttering,

"i do that at home. what the heck?"

happy birthday jesus cake

IMPOSSIBLE to get them all to look--forget smiling...

just 8 eyes on the camera would be a success

never in the history of time has a one year old child been

so grateful for

a gift. we didn't buy her anything and my parent's

bought her a

playhouse for the yard. when she got her first gift,

she held it and stared at it

for soooo long. she just looked grateful for

someone thinking of her...hilarious

my family

max's school production...HUUUUGE meltdown before the show.

we bribed him

with an early christmas gift and he promised to "sing his heart out".

the girl in front of him

was a wild gesturer and he was overwhelmed by her.

as he came down to his seat,

he said

"that wasn't so bad"

we said, "here's your nerf gun!"

last but definitely not least, this is max on the

polar express

we went with friends/neighbors to ohio to ride a train

intended to look like the polar express.

a bit overpriced....

i was looking out the window

at the "north pole" thinking

"wow, this looks a lot like blawnox"

when he looked up at me and said

"i'm really glad we came here. i'm having so much fun."

it was fun...

thanks for reading...leave a comment so i know i still have a fan base...

oh blog, it's been waaaay too long...

i remember when life was simple, pre-talia, i could blog while max played or after i put him to sleep at night. now that we have miss T, life has dramatically changed. (for the better, that goes without saying, but i will).

as most of you know, we have not been hurting for snow at all in pittsburgh. we have seen a lot of accumulation here...it's been lovely. i am a sun worshipper and despise being cold, wet, snowy and i now know that i felt that way because of how quickly snow melted here. grey days with dirty snow are the winters that i remember. this year, it rarely stopped snowing for days and seeing the windy, tree filled roads that we live near covered with snow was gorgeous. it's all gone now and i'm not upset at all....today was GORGEOUS!! it was warm and sunny--we needed LIGHT jackets...no hats and gloves...lovely...global warming my butt...glaciers formed and are still around on the three rivers...

a sunny day after the snow finally slowed down

our home

my boys are camping out tonite...watching "star wars, the clone wars"

as of right now, 11:21, he is still awake...ugh.

max is like me...LOVES sledding and playing in the snow for a SHORT while

he said and i quote...

"mama, i can't WAIT to swim!"

talia loved the snow and played outside for over an hour. she stands at the door and begs to go out...she doesn't mind rain, snow, sleet, or hail---perhaps she'll be a mail-woman.

"i'm the pittsburgh jedi"

that's what he says...

christmas, christmas time is near....

well, friends it's been way too long. i just took my math final (LAME) so i'm up exceptionally late this evening. we have had a really great couple months. lots of fun things and watching my talia grow from a baby to a walker...she's right there...she'll be one in two and a half weeks...my baby....

max loves these jumpers...

perhaps you'll remember this from a few years past

"mama, look i got some boobies!"

chris and i are not emphasizing santa claus that much because we really want the holiday to be focused around Jesus' birth. well, along the same time that we decided to down play st nick, we started to talk about a "pez fairy" that comes at night and fills his pez containers...this is yoda, he's broken now...but we are starting a collection...

merry christmas!!!!

proud mama

my corner office

*i wish i had better pics. it's a great place to work*

"mom dad

talia xam"

 this blog is VERY braggy...from a proud mama

a few months ago, around when talia was born, max started becoming obsessed with writing letters. then his name. he loves phonics too. he gets frustrated with "c's" that say "kuh" and other things like that but he loves to write and asks me to spell things all the time. i phonetically sounded out "happy birthday" and he wrote it all, the "th" needed some help but it was incredible. we never even practiced writing his letters. we have magnets and toys, blocks and stuffed letters. he just one day decided to write...it's amazing to see him become BIG! i thought i would show a sample of his writing as well as a picture of my office at work...he loves to play there and as one of our interns commented, "what kid wouldn't want to". since i'm working on my play therapy certification, i have all sorts of great toys, a sandbox, mirrors, books, chalkboard, and loooots of craft stuff....he always wants to come to work with me. he would love it there and of course, they would love him....

whatta summer!!!

as fall approaches, it is bittersweet. i am headed back to school tomorrow...ugh. max begins preschool in sept. but there is so much to look forward to with the changing seasons. namely sweaters, leaves, playing outside in the crisp change, the time change, and ultimately the holidays...and besides, once christmas comes...summer is right around the corner...

here is a small summary of our summer...last week, my dad got us tickets to idlewild for the rest of the season AND next year...what a great way to end the summer. they are open on weekends until october...who knew??

with the changing of the seasons, comes a change in attitude for me. more on that to come...

idlewild park

such a fun place...and another pool to use!

swimming

the most common activity of our summer

as much as weather would allow

my babies are so gorgeous when sun kissed 

the beach

nothing is better than going on vacation to the beach. 

the ride down wasn't bad...the ride home i almost drove off a cliff. ROUGH!

that being said, it was a fun week. a lot of sun, no pressure to clean, cook, etc.

best of friends

right now, all they have is love for each other

once she's mobile, hopefully that will continue

fun with friends

bike and scooter

max learned to ride both and we spent A LOT of time on both

planets

he has become so obsessed with space. he knows

all the planets and some facts about each. we are getting

a telescope for christmas. he found this at a playground 

and started telling kids about planets...they weren't interested.

blueberry pickin'

fourth of july

we stayed at the hilton, we felt spoiled! it will be our family

tradition from now on.  it was so great not having to go through traffic to get home. 

rainy days

and there were plenty

library, dinos, science center...

it's hard taking pictures with two kids

proud poppy

keystone state park

halfway btn pittsburgh and johnstown

our meeting spot for our parents

that is...until we got idlewild memberships...

that's going to jazz up our halfway point jaunts

swingin' is her thing

reunion of old friends

slip -n- slide

the solution to hot days before the pool opened

sitter

she's upright! and soon will be fully mobile

soccer

as if the van wasn't enough...i officially became a "soccer mom" ugh...

mamere

hockey

this became a twice weekly event in our lives.

he's really good and SUPER fast...

boo hoo to running. more time off...

my bff's

so great to have carly off all summer with me. we had a blast hanging out. we laughed and talked into the night many times...

stace...married...lovely...and an incredible friend...

i'm the luckiest person in the world. 

from family to friends...it doesn't get better than this...